The Tinderization of Facebook: A Manifesto on Dad Bods, Democracy, and the Fake Economy of Lust

Are Republicans still at a disadvantage when advertising on social media platforms? The answer is yes unless it is Truth Social.

There was a time when the internet was a beacon of innovation, a testament to human ingenuity. But as with all great enterprises, the looters and the moochers have found a way to corrupt it. I speak, of course, of the mysterious epidemicsweeping Facebook: the tidal wave of breathtakingly gorgeous, 20-something women who, against all rational logic, have developed a sudden and passionate interest in dating men who remember when Bonanza was in syndication.

What is this curious phenomenon? A cosmic shift in the laws of attraction? A long-overdue cultural reckoning where women have realized the unparalleled appeal of a receding hairline, cargo shorts, and a cholesterol level that defies medical science? No, dear reader. It is something far more sinister.

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of a fluorescent-lit office in Silicon Valley, a cadre of faceless bureaucrats is laughing. Their algorithm has done its job. They have not merely altered reality; they have manufactured it. And, like all counterfeit economies, this one too has a purpose: to rig the very fabric of political engagement and control the democratic process itself.

The Marketplace of Fake Affection

A few years ago, I was presented with a mystery that made even the most hardened cynic’s eyebrows twitch. Republican candidates—real flesh-and-blood individuals with real supporters—were watching their Facebook ad budgets vanish into the abyss of fake accounts. My team, operating in the unholy trifecta of Washington D.C., AltaVista, California, and the depths of my own righteous indignation, sought answers.

With the help of an insider—let’s call him John Galtbook—we ran an experiment. We created two fake political candidates, one Democrat, one Republican, and tracked their ad performance. The results? A grotesque imbalance. The Democrat’s ads? 12% wasted on fake profiles. The Republican’s ads? Seventy percent. The vast majority of these phantom voters hailed from locations so exotic that, had they been real, they would have no legal standing in an Ohio school board election.

When we expanded our research, the trend persisted. Real candidates with five years of history on the platform? Facebook ensured that 5% of a Democrat’s ad spend went to the abyss, while Republicans saw 52% of their budget fed into the same black hole where Hillary Clinton’s electoral map predictions went to die.

Facebook’s Defense: The Free Speech of the Imaginary

Naturally, when confronted, Facebook’s response was as predictable as it was absurd. “Younger Americans use our platform,” they argued, “and Younger Americans are mostly Democrats.” They defended their embrace of fake profiles by invoking—of course—the sacred, twisted, and bastardized banner of “freedom of speech.” It was, they claimed, the right of an imaginary bot to express its imaginary thoughts in an imaginary political system.

But ask yourself this: If it is the natural right of fake profiles to exist, to click, to skew statistics, and to drain advertising dollars, then what of the natural right of actual, human Republicans to reach real voters? This is not a question of free speech. It is a question of the collectivist seizure of the marketplace of ideas.

The TikTok Takeover: When One Grift Isn’t Enough

And so, the algorithm marches on. Those who once sold fake affection to unwitting men on Facebook have now refined their craft. They have moved to TikTok, and their mark is bigger: Congressional campaigns and above.

The same forces that once peddled the illusion of romance—those legions of fair-skinned, bikini-clad, profile-picture-ready sirens who swore their undying love to men who still own a flip phone—have now set their sights on higher office. The game remains unchanged: siphon Republican advertising dollars, artificially inflate Democrat engagement, and pretend that the entire process is organic.

The Solution: Be John Galt With a VPN

What is the answer to this grand illusion? Do we roll over and accept the grift? Do we weep for the thousands of Dad-bodded dreamers whose only crime was logging in to check their grandkids’ birthday photos? No. The answer is simple: Do not participate in their economy of fraud.

Understand that the bots are not here for you. They are not actually single. They do not actually think your profile picture looks “cute.” They are here to serve one function: to drain the last remaining reservoir of fair play in political advertising. The only way to beat them is to expose them.

And if all else fails, I recommend what all rational men do in times of crisis: buy a good VPN and let the bots chase your shadow in the wind.